i miss you

when i type the word i miss you, my tears always burst out. a week past though you are coming home soon but i just cant. every night, i hug xiaobai and say i love you, come back soon dear. i hope you will hear me, in your dream perhaps. this is the first time, you woke up and slept earlier than me :) thanks to the time difference. that's why i always on skype hope wont missing any call from you. i am wondering  how if i really went further study at taiwan. i think i will whisper to xiaobai 'i miss you' and tears drop eventually. what am i  suppose to do with? fall in love before i go further study and leave with a lot of reluctance. that's youth.

pennie

alcoholic

就那么的结束了吗？
我会不会忘记心痛的感觉是什么？

why can't we just like the others couple, be a normal one?

无聊的一星期

身为女朋友的我，真的有那么差劲吗？

过了一个超级无聊的一星期，在家不是读书就是上网。连我向来觉得无聊狗血的台湾偶像剧都可以觉得很好看。我其实不是想出去玩，我只是想见见你，让我放松一下。我知道最近大家经济状况都不好，我也没有吵着要去哪去哪。我其实只想和你静静地抱在一起，聊聊天，看看戏，睡个午觉，简简单单幸福地过一天。有错吗？就算你忙到一整天一封简讯都没有，我也没有对你发牢骚，我只能一个人的生闷气，可是你却说我不体谅你，难道我连无奈的语气也不可以有吗？如果那无形的关心和体谅你都感觉不到，那我的关心还有什么意义呢？

需要你陪的夜晚你不在

有时候觉得我还是孤孤单单的一个人


pennie

我照顾个生病的人，又错了吗？

原来心真的会痛，累了，也泪了

多少次我以为一直以来碎了的心被弥补了，重见曙光。原来这一次更痛，痛到泪会不自觉地落下，会睡不着，会每一刻都在想为什么。我又变回了以前那个双面人，带着一幅虚伪的面具，笑着对人家说我没事。为什么要对我那么的残忍，可以请你收回那句话吗？原来心真的会痛。。。

There’s no magic spell or pill that can cure a broken heart, if it was I probably would’ve overdosed. You can’t go to your local drug store or pharmacy for pain medication to help with the heartache you’re experiencing. The only thing you can do is take steps to at least try to alleviate some of the pain you feel. Giving your heart to someone is always a gamble and unfortunately sometimes we give our heart to people who don’t deserve it or people who have no idea what to do with it.

It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are because you don’t have to be in a relationship to get your heart broken. You call fall in love with a friend, someone who you can’t have, or maybe you once had someone and lost them. The fact of the matter is your heart is broken and you need to get through it. The process of mending a broken heart involves effectively processing your emotions. When you’re angry, you’re angry, get it out, when you’re sad, cry, and scream to the top of your lungs, whatever works. Admit what ever short comings you may have had, figure out how to grow from the situation, and think about the lessons you learned from the experience; find your pattern, we all have one. You will laugh, you will cry, you will feel disappointment, and sometimes you will feel like your heart has been ripped out but you will LIVE.

pennie

03072012

Hmmnnn, today is the first day he works at the other country. don't know when will he come back. i'm sure i will miss him badly ;) a bit can't adapt the day without his call or messages ahahaha x) but this is not the point i'm typing this post XD because today is totally free and laziness still stick on me no feels like to do any revision although i know the holly shit UEC trial exam is appoarching. two months to go. and  4 months left i have to leave the lovely chong hwa i had been studying for 6 years. i will have a million of reluctant to leave during the graduation day. even i hate this school much i still love it too x)

since today is so free. i do some research about futher study at taiwan, fashion design course. errrr maybe i still have to think about what should i choose. reality or dreams? ohhh i really confuse. fashion design must be a super high cost study since it was all about fashion and classes things. but banking and finance will be enough to cover my family economic burden. it's really a very difficult decision i have to make. sometimes i will complain why is my family not rich enough to fulfill my dreams. why must i have to do things that i'm not interested just for the purpose to earn money. life is hard i know. and i clearly know earn money is hard because i experience before. now want me to force myself to do things i don't like just to earn money. it's absolutely lifeless! but, what can i do? i don't know how to choose.

idiot ;)

everyday i pull off my curtain and look out from my window when i heard car's engine pass by my house and what i get is disappointed and nothing. i feels like i am totally an idiot every times i did this action. waiting somebody appear with a surprise but my expectation always turns to fog. waiting for the message all the time and thinking about what the hell are you doing why don't you reply my message and smash the phone to the floor with the highest anger. staying house alone and thinking the topic we quarrel last night but will never solved until the problem find the right time to solve itself. how lonely you know the feel staying at house but nothing to do some more without any mood and just can think about nonsense. feels like going to cry but you are not beside me no one can comfort me after i cried then i just hold back. meet you today but you still the same and watch the time 3 minutes once. is gathering with friends important than me when you see your girlfriend bothering the problem between you and she? i have nothing to say and ask because your heart isn't here anymore. the sentence you said twice hurt me without any perception. i feel heart broke but you seems never realize. since i feel heart broke, the thing i can comfirm is i love you. no matter what happened, i still besides you. but i don't what can i do now. both of us. that's why i say i am an idiot.

messy mind

今天我很emo，很多事情压下来，再一次的，我又感到累了。再一次的，我又感到我做错了。很很很迷茫，不知该如何是好。惟有这里可以让我把情绪发泄出来。

成绩陆续的发下来，然后这真的是我不想接受的东西。成绩差，以前我会怪自己没有尽力，没有做好自己的本分。成绩差，现在我会怪自己因为谈恋爱而忽略成绩，没有认真地看待高三这重要的一年。可是这是真正的原因吗？或许吧。我不会责怪他，因为那是我自己的选择。出去玩，是我自己决定的。拍拖，也是我自己决定的。所以我还能怪谁？是我自己忍不住诱惑。无可否认，外面的世界对我来说太诱惑，这都是我一直以来向往的。是我自己的定力太差，才兼顾不到学业。虽然我老是对父母说，拍拖不会影响到成绩，可是如今事实证明并非如此。我现在能做的是，面壁思过，理清下一步我该怎么做。

父母的反对，也许是对的。然而大家都说爱情是盲目的，可是其实我有把它听进去，所以我才会想那么多。难道大家就不能给我一点点的信任？理性思维告诉我，我不应该陷得那么深。我有在听在思考。用绳子绑住自己真的很困难，当你感到紧时你自己会把它解开，可是其实你不能那么做。当双面人很辛苦也很累。我不知道我几时会厌倦这种生活，或我已经习惯了，我不知道。

离开华乐团，我以为我的选择是对的。进入另一个乐团，我也以为我的选择是对的。当初我以为到另一个不同的圈子会学习到更多的东西，扩大我的社交圈子，增进自己的技术。去了那里一个月，我发现我只感到累，我没有快乐。我还是想念以前的那个乐团。想念大家分组练习的时候嘻嘻哈哈的练习，一起讨论一起研究；想念大阮柳琴两头跑，被Darren臭骂的时候；想念带着那些小的被他们气疯的日子；想念我们6姐妹感情却来越深，一起哭一起笑的日子；想念合奏时虽然很闷可是却可以对视一笑；想念合奏前说那首曲子是多么的难，当练成是那成就感又是多么的棒。今天，特别想念你们。彭向勤徐蓓婷陈怡霖陈怡文 ♥ 也许是我习惯了以前乐团的形式，现在去到新的环境还不习惯他们的进行方式。可是那种以去到那边就是合奏2个小时半放学的方式我真的不是很喜欢。虽然他们的进度很快，2个小时半内可以过2，3首新曲。可是却一点欢乐都没有。这让我感觉就是，为了表演而坐在那边和一大群你不认识的人合奏，时间到就走人，为了表演而表演。可是我当时的目的并不是这样。我要的是为了学习为了放松为了交新朋友而去的，为了坚持学柳琴而去的。可是那种练习状况真的很有压迫感，不仅给我压力又交不到朋友。如今又有什么意义呢？我学华乐那么多年，第一次合奏打瞌睡，又找不到提神的方法。今年是统考年，对我来说真的超级超级重要，可是他们却要办个音乐会，在8月尾，然后9月头就预试了。我真的很想就此退团，专注于学业， 可是我会舍得吗？

Pennie

especially for u, tcw ♥

insomnia tonight, without any reason, i just want to write a post for you.is especially for you ♥ and here is your gift. it is all about me. you can know me deeply through here and because i want to let you know me more and more so that you will not say you don't know what i'm thinking next time. HERE, is all about my growth within these 2 years. well, this maybe will be a bit boring school life compare to your those super attractive fun outer school life. but here is totally pure and peace. although there is not many post you can read, i hope you can spend time here and missing me through the post i posted. because i'm really not going to accept your call or reply your message this week while i'm examing X) i'm sorry but i need your understanding. the girl who never fall in love is going to try her best to do everything she can because she willing to :) you and me is the luckiest one to meet each other because we both need what each other have . goodnight and i will miss you :D

what is love?

i will try to understand it :)

Pennie