what should i do?

every time i went out with my senior, there is always a dissatisfied voice seems asking me not to go. maybe the word of "senior" is a bit sensitive for him, but actually the name of "senior" is a kind of culture in taiwan just like in korea they will call their senior as "oppa". but the relationship between us is just like friend or brother, pure like distill water, nothing else. i just cant figure out why he just cant trust me? am i very cant be trusted?  i dont know. i am sick of those argument. studying here alone never be easy. i have to adapt in a new environment and make new friends do everythings all my own. i never complain because i choose this. i am glad to know the malaysian here because they are the only one willing to help me than others. they know what exactly what we newbie feel because they had been through these. so they take care all of the newbie, not just me. i will take good care of my junior too in my second year because i know the feel nobody can call for help and always having breaksfast lunch dinner ourselves.  i will feel warm when be with them, just like i am still living in malaysia, no doubt i miss malaysia so much, either place or people there.
i just dont understand how could he not trust me but i do. i miss him every minute every second. sliding my phone all the time while in the wifi area just to have a look on the fb messenger see if he online or any message for me. greet with him every morning had already be a habit. message him once i saw him online although i have nothing to say but just a name 'babeeee' i will feel like he beside me. look back every single photo of us when i feel bored in class, flash back those memories of the happiest moment. just a little i felt sweet and love. why cant you trust me? i just love you very much, but it hurt when you dont trust me.

air ticket

今天是中秋節,大多數人都回家團聚了,而我還留在宿舍,是有點傷感還很無聊. 可是今天一起床自己卻做了一件讓自己EMO到極點的事情.我真的很想死,為甚麼自己會訂錯機票??!!! 我竟然訂錯了機票OMG!!! 結果換機票要加多兩百多塊,那是我半個月的生活費了啊..... 我為甚麼會那麼粗心,那麼大意. 真的很想從窗口跳下去算了.... 這樣子一弄機票就變成了1500.啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊~~~~~~~ 真的甚麼mood都沒有了. deardear那麼辛苦地賺錢,我那麼用力地花錢. 真的是慚愧到了極點. 現在開始的每一餐都不敢出去吃飯, 要省回那條數目. 我以後都不敢買機票了,暑假也不敢回去了. 我還是乖乖地待在這裡吧. 很想買醉,很想shisha,很想哭.....
對不起.........

hello屏科大 !

everything is just awesome and wonderful since i reach taiwan. everything fine here i live good here. a very different life begun. i met a lot of people here. i met many kind of people here. what i can tell is my malaysian senior is just very gentlemen and kind, they volunteer to help us and treat us like a sister. i feel warm when be with them, listening to their malaysian slang, talk to them with the malaysian slang, just like i am still living in malaysia! i can predict that we are family in the future :) so happy to know all of them. well, i met some selfish people too. especially those hongki. unfortunately my roommates are from hongkong and macau. startly i really cant adapt with their living habit which is wearing outdoor shoes walk inside the room. omg! how dirty is it. but one week past i realize that they are the person who have to live with me a year or longer so i have to coordinate and accommodate with them. we have to be friends or else we gonna be enemies. no doubt i prefer friends.
class started. it is not the fashion design and management i thought lol. i am now studying skincare and cosmetology. those products are costly still thinking how am i gonna survive for the following months. my english is getting worse because i dont have chance to speak and learn english here. so scare after i back to malaysia all my friends speak english fluently but i dont. many things have to learn by my own here. time management is a very important things while you are in university. because nobody gonna involve what you gonna do. all are by your own. actually i think place is quite good for me to study here because i can forget what is clubbing temporary. i miss alcohol! i miss jagerboom, black label, long island, apple cider, and more. unfortunately alcohol and cigarette are not allowed in my school T^T i miss shisha soooooo much. and the time i be with my lovely jimuis. i gonna back in 4 months! yay <3 p="">long distance relationship is not easy at all. while i am missing him but i cant hug him. that feels hard. but i will insist on it and nobody can replace him because he really is the best mr.right i ever seen. i love you my dear <3 p="">

大笨蛋

为什么我总是在犯错后才后知后觉，那时补救已经来不及了，不被原谅也是应该的，我这个笨蛋。。。现在才发现我错得多么离谱，下次真的要睁大眼睛看清楚，哪些人值得为他那么做，哪些人不值得为他那么做。这一次，我真的看得清清楚楚，一直以来我觉得值得的东西，原来都是我单方面付出。真的太失望了。原来真的有人会为了自保而编个谎言伤害人家。这种人就是社会上的反社会人格，千万要远离这种人啊！这一路以来对他的伤害，我真的无法想象。我会慢慢的弥补，就算分开了，我也会默默的弥补对你的伤害。这人心险恶的社会，我又上了宝贵的一堂课

happy holiday

well i think this 4 days holiday is the best holiday for all those office worker :) i saw many people are outing for a trip these few days. so am i. suppose to be. but i am staying at home eventually on today the saturday night was suppose went to the heli lounge bar to enjoy the breath taking sunset on the roof top and then head to the club and enjoy my last clubbing in malaysia before i leave. all is about what i suppose to do tonight. but it all turn to bubbles because of my mom mad of me going out everyday. sigh. they never know how i care about them. what they thought is i am a lazy girl who doesn't like to work, do house work, take care of the lil brother who already 15 years old, doesn't care about the family stuff bla bla bla... i can stay at home because of them, because of i care about their feelings. i can back home directly if they need me to fetch them do things for them if they need me. but they never appreciate. be honest, i never ask money from them since i graduated. i am spending my own money own savings on every single meal, travel, outing, even the art class i have to pay every month. i just dont understand, am i wrong to enjoy my life with my money? what is your problem? just because of the school fees you will pay for me in advance and then you threaten me? well i can tell you that i am a independent girl when i was in high school. after i reach there i will find ways to solve my school fees without your concern. dont worry i wouldn't die there if you didn't give me money. i am a smart girl i know how to survive. if you dont want to take care about me, somebody does.somebody who love me and care about me will help me finish my education. although you thought he is not suit me. but i do. for the first time i can feel that a man sacrified a lot of things for me. the man that changed my life a lot. i love him so much. indeed.
many of my friends do not know why am i dont want to follow them for a trip. those who get pocket money from parents would not know how suffer it is when you have to spend everythings on your own. you have to think how you gonna survive when you left the last 50 bucks but still have 2 weeks more to get your salary. argument exsist when money not enough. but we been through all of it together. we help each other when the others have problem. we are more like a family now.
he made my day all the time when he is beside me ♥

caption: he is not handsome, he is fat, he looks old, he have a lot of bad habbits, but i love him so much, because nobody is prefect, so am i :)

the man who never drunk, feel safe when go drink with him :)

went DREAMZ BAKERY again. favourite green tea millie crepe ♥

green tea tiramisu, chocolate mint layer cake

latte, latte art swan

stupid face

like this the most, act cute face haha

hmmm nom nom nom, green tea cake is the best!

end up here today. going to restart my blogger life because i am going to taiwan! yay! stay tune ;)

兜兜转转，我又回到了原点

一年半了，我才发现，原来我都在转圈圈。刚开始转圈的时候，很幸福很开心，认为这是一条很直的路，我们会走很远很久。可是现在走到最后，才发现原来我又回到原点了。到最后，我还是得一个人，还是为了同样的理由，出去闯荡属于我自己的世界。还是一样没有得到任何人的支持。原来这一年半我所付出的一切都被视为狗屎，我所付出的信任，被他人践踏着。其实我真的是一个很单纯的人，我会为我觉得值得的人付出一切，只要我认为值得。你对我好，我会十倍奉还，你对我不好，我当然也会十倍奉还。事实永远都是难以接受。谎言，更让我无法容忍。我要怎么活在谎言中？我要如何与认为在用善意的谎言来“善待”我的人过下半辈子？这一路以来，我认为为对方付出是应该的，我尽我所能去做，结果我得到的是？谎言。这辈子，我最最最不能容忍的就是第一欺骗，第二不守时。我不希望步我妈妈后尘，每一天活在谎言中。每一次妈妈哭着向我说你爸爸又讲骗话了，他说好要回家的。。。我都会默默的跑去房间掉泪。我切身体会，那是多么的痛心，失望。

有人告诉我，如果你觉得没有爱了，那么就结束吧。爱，当然还存在，只是信任已经不存在。这就是我一直不舍得的原因，因为爱，我相信他会为了我改变。原来到最后，在改变的一直都是我。我好不容易把信任交给你，可是你却把我的信任当成低级品践踏着。难道我那珍贵的信任是随便给人家践踏的吗？我真的受不了，你怎么可以骗我，欺骗一个那么单纯的去信任你的人。。。真的是让我太失望了。。。。我为你掉的泪都可以养一缸鱼了。。。你怎么可以那么对我。。。怎么可以。。。。

insomnia

当我痛彻心扉,又没有人事物可以发泄的时候,我想到的只有这里。很努力地想要睡觉,可是眼睛偏偏不肯闭上。流过脸颊的泪是热的,从右眼流进左眼,再流进枕头。这也许不是第一次为了家人那么心痛,但是我相信这是最铭记于心的一次。第一次,我认为自己是多么的践,在他们眼中我是多么的cheap。conclusion is, I am definitely a BITCH. 我不能停止回想他们所说过的每一句话。我很清楚的知道,男朋友怎样都比不上家人,但如果连你们自己都不想要珍惜我的话,我真的宁愿一个人活下去,就算没有了他,我也活得下去。如果你要鄙视我的独立的话,那么我只好证明个你们看。反正从毕业到现在我都是自己赚自己花,没跟你们要钱吃饭要钱买东西。开始自己赚钱了,母亲节请你吃个大餐,几百块没关系。下雨你不能去上班,我即使不在家也马上飞车回来載你去。然而你现在说的是什么话?到底是谁忘恩负义?有时我真的不需要一个只会用语言伤害我的家人。

辗转反侧,覆夜难眠

这几天总是失眠,翻来覆去换了几百个姿势冷气开了又关还是睡不着。
独自在夜里歇斯底里的哭泣是多么痛苦,每次我踏出了和好的那步,结果总和预期的不一样。昨夜好像世界毁灭了般,一个人默默地呻吟,没有人知道。就着样昏昏欲睡,我还真的以为我会死掉。那夜的心碎,没人懂。明早起来,才发现哭过就好了。可是如果每夜都要经历那撕心裂肺的痛,我是否撑得下去?

就算分开了,我也要潇洒地离开
告诉自己,我会遇到更好的
可是为什么心还是在淌血?

i miss you

when i type the word i miss you, my tears always burst out. a week past though you are coming home soon but i just cant. every night, i hug xiaobai and say i love you, come back soon dear. i hope you will hear me, in your dream perhaps. this is the first time, you woke up and slept earlier than me :) thanks to the time difference. that's why i always on skype hope wont missing any call from you. i am wondering  how if i really went further study at taiwan. i think i will whisper to xiaobai 'i miss you' and tears drop eventually. what am i  suppose to do with? fall in love before i go further study and leave with a lot of reluctance. that's youth.

pennie